So, we returned to Monona to remember Chad. I was definitely not the only one who felt conflicted in this visit. With me being newly married to Mark and Dylan excited about having a father in his life again, his emotions were all over the place as we visited the grave site. The usually chatty and easily excitable little boy was quiet and sullen. I tried telling the stories I've often told him about his dad (lighthearted, fun ones), but they did not evoke the reaction of joy that they used to. It was clear, without it being said, that the stories would remain where they are, that there would be no new stories to tell. Dylan is now regulated to knowing his dad through the photos, news clippings, a few journal entries during his time in Iraq and the couple dozen regurgitated stories about him and his dad together. The stillness was stifling.
When it comes to the emotions of this day, I become fiercely protective of this little boy. While we've moved on from the tragedy of Chad's death, I'm still often hurt that Dylan is having to go through life without his birth father to see him grow up. That he'll often wonder about that part of him or possibly feel, at times, incomplete. The injury and later Chad's death forced Dylan to mature in a lot of ways. What a lot to handle at 6 years old. Thankfully though, he doesn't run from his emotions and the opportunity to remember. When we left the grave site, we offered him a choice as to whether he'd go and view the memorial or not and without hesitation, but with sadness, he said "yes".
The memorial stands at 1401 Wright Street in Madison, WI. Chad's name is at the top, as he was the highest ranking Marine to lose his life on this tour from Golf Company.
When a serviceman or woman is lost in the battlefield, it has become customary to arrange their Boots, Rifle and Helmet and the surviving members of their squad will gather around and memorialize their fallen comrades. Some of the troops will pray, others might recall funny stories, but make no mistake, this is a ceremony that is taken very seriously. Every soldier knows the next ceremony might be for them. This arrangement is also known as a Battlefield Cross or a Battle Cross.
Go to: http://largeart.com/detail.aspx?ID=107 for more information on how these statues/memorials are made.
I look at this picture of our little boy and I hope that the hardest parts of his life are in the past. I know there are no guarantees, but is a sincere hope of mine. He wants to make his deceased father proud and tries with all of his efforts to enjoy his new dad (as he came to the conclusion to call Mark, all on his own). This picture shows me a boy that is well beyond his almost 9 years and it makes me sad. I am eager to embrace the 5 year old in him that comes out when he feels safe. It warms my heart that he still wants to be a little boy...even in a wife beater shirt (he does have more clothes). Dylan, to you - your Chad dad couldn't help but be proud of you. You're a wonderful, lovable person. He was around long enough to instill boyishness in you and leave you with some of the best parts of himself. Remember his sacrifice for many and remember his love for you.
It is painful to live through death. My first husband was not resurrected and in a way, I expected him to be, but his injuries were so bad that he never spoke to any of us again. I don't know what his last thoughts were, Dylan never got to hear his voice again or be hugged by him or wrestle with his dad. He faded away. One of the biggest things that continues to pull me through is knowing that God knows how I feel. He knows what it feels to lose something, He chose to lose Christ for each of us. God knew that it'd be painful for us to be alone here and blessed our broken road leading us straight to Mark, Taylor, Sabrina and Veronica. It is wonderful in a lot of ways, hard too, but I trust that the pain will not be wasted as we continue on in the journey called "life".
It is hard to move forward without knowing where you're headed and I believe that to an extent, you need to know where you've been. We will continue to remember Chad and the graciousness of Jesus our Savior and the ultimate sacrifice for our souls.
We will remember...
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